"The Snake Path" from The Final Fantasy 6

Snake Wars!!
by Trish aka Tik Tok
Not long ago (May 19th to be exact) in a galaxy (oops - city) far far away, the inmates (dwellers?) of a certain house came to be known as intrepid fighters in what is now called: Snake Wars!!
While talking to my Mom on the phone that morning, out of the corner of my eye I saw one of my cats, Gilly, acting like a Bucking Bronco! Arched back, 12 inch leaps! A Pogo Stick Cat! I jumped up and saw a Three Foot Slithering Mass of Snake! Well, it seemed to be three feet - upon not so calm reflection I decided it was more like a one foot slithering mass. Long enough!!
I almost shouted my Mom deaf yelling, "Gilly's after a snake! There's a copperhead in the house!" Somehow I managed NOT to toss the cordless phone at it!
Now I am NOT a weenie. And I pretty much think snakes are okay. And I thought that before the Crocodile Hunter became a world wide hero. Heck, I was bringing snakes home before he was BORN (probably BEG!). And had it been any other color: green, yellow, tan or whatever, I probably wouldn't have 'almost' panicked. But this guy was the perfect copperhead brown/red. Perfect!! All those thoughts happened in two heartbeats - Gilly + snake = bitten by copperhead.
Still holding the phone, while my Mom was saying really Wise Mom Things ie: "Don't get bitten!! Save the Cats!!", I dashed around the furniture to stop Gilly. The snake was slithering under a large old tack box we have, that is completely covered with cowboy things. Two feet away is a Hoosier Cabinet. The snake went under the tack box, and Gilly went after it. At that moment I could have smashed said snake with an old railroad lantern, however, the Intrepid Snake Killer's head was in the way, and I would have brained her instead!
I told Mom I'd call her back, and dragged Gilly out from under the Hoosier Cabinet where she was waiting for that serpent to reappear. Ever try to drag a small hog with Claws out from under something? I think tackling the snake would have been easier!! I tossed her in the hall and slammed the door. Then I jerked the door open again, realizing that Zoe, The Cat That Doesn't Get Along Well With Others, wasn't locked up. So, I grabbed Zoe, put her in another room and reslammed doors. My feet were smoking trying to get back to the living room and our new Snake Den! I grabbed Gypsy (who had slept through all this so far) and put her in the hall. Then I grabbed poor Tikky and gently raced her there, too. Sydney was bouncing around the living room swatting at anything that moved and appeared to be saying, "Which way did it go? Which way did it go?" He too was shut up.
So now all the cats were safe. I called Renato (my husband)at work 12 miles away, yelling at one of his co-workers when she answered: "Get Renato! There's a snake in the house!" So, Mr. CALM gets to the phone while I'm still emoting, and I told him about the snake. "Are you sure?" he says. And I asked him "Would I CALL and tell you there was a ******* snake in the house if there wasn't?" So, he said he'd be home as soon as he could, and NOT to panic! Oh no, Mr. Calm ... I'm WAY past panic!!
Then my good friend Linda called and I related all. She offered to call her Mom and have her come over, but I didn't want to be responsible for someone's mother being bitten by a copperhead! I told her Renato was on his way. She mentioned how her Mom used to wack them with a hoe (!) so I raced to the garage to get My Weapon! Let that bugger slither out now!
So, I blocked the tack box sides as well as I could, and discovered I'd lit three cigarettes in a row (yeah, give that snake lung cancer or stone him with smoke, that'll show 'em!!) Then I sat on the edge of the sofa, hoe in hand, and waited. Just call me Obi-Wan Trish!!
Renato arrived and waltzed in as only Renato can, telling me to calm down. Heck, I was calm. I had a hoe, I had enough nicotine in me to cause Lord knows how many sorts of cancer, I had finished off a Diet Pepsi (Caffeine free! Didn't want the Shakes!) and Linda had kept me company on the phone. Life was good except for that darn copperhead!! I told him, "Slide the tack box that way, and I'll wack that bugger!"
"No! I'll get a box and we'll catch him and put him outside" says the Next Saint of All Creatures Great and Small.
"It's a bloody copperhead! We have NO insurance! Wanna sit in the freebie emergency room with the gunshot victims if one of us is bitten?"
"How do you know it's a copperhead?" says Saint R.
"Cause it's the color of one," says the avid Crocodile Hunter Fan with the hoe spinning and twirling in her hands. I'm brave now, I have actual human company to give me courage, either that or the nicotine was giving me a Real High. The Force was with me!
"Well calm down and I'll get a box and gloves, just in case we can trap it" says Saint R, not knowing that if he tells me One More Time to 'Calm Down', he might get wacked with the hoe Just Because!!
He returned with, in my opinion, a too large box and gloves. He slid the tack box away from the wall and it pivoted. On guard on the other side, I spotted the serpent.
"There it is! There it is!". My eyes started gleaming with lights of revenge! Renato came around the other end of the tack box and dropped his 'trap' on top on what now appears to be a six inch long grass snake.
"Think you scared it into shrinking?" Renato asked.
"No! It's just curled up tiny. Trust me, it's long and it's a Copperhead," I replied.
Renato then left again (!) to get a piece of cardboard to slide under the cardboard box to contain the snake. I was on guard, with the hoe holding down the box Just In Case. And this is one flimsy piece of cardboard! He slides it under the trap box and hopefully the snake.
"I got it, I can hear it bouncing off the box."
"No dear, I just bumped the Hoosier with the hoe."
Now, this flat cardboard is really floppy. He can't raise it with the box very well. So 'un-well' that Mr. Snake actually slid out and plopped onto the carpet.
The Three Stooges, minus one, Trap A Snake!
Covering the snake again, I told him, "I'll hold two sides, you hold the other two." That worked until we got to the front door. Where Saint Renato had thought to lock the storm door in case any more snakes showed up. Yes Renato, snakes know all about door handles, don't they?? He reaches to the lock and "thunk" the snake hits the floor. Since my weapon of choice was too far away, I wacked the snake with the box and trapped him ... again. Here went the 'slide the cardboard under the box' move again. Nope, Renato, you just pushed the snake out the other side.
After three tries we had it!
Out the door and into the yard. We set down the Snake in the Box. Renato let it loose.
"It's not here, my love."
"Sure it is, it's in the grass."
"No it isn't," I say, "It's NOT here, it's still in the house!"
We ran back to the house, flung open the door, and there was Mr. Dazed Snake, lying on the entry way throw rug. He seemed to be begging to Be Let Out. Renato, who I think had bonded with that box by this time, stepped over the snake to re-trap it, but I said ..."Just MOVE."
I grabbed the rug, and with a mighty jerk and fling, tossed it and Mr. Snake out onto the sidewalk!! Renato went to it, and squatted down over it. Mr. Snake ain't moving. He's really stunned now.
"It's a grass snake or rat snake."
"I don't care, as long as his scaly body is outside. I hope he has a nice snake life, which he WON'T have if he gets back into the house. Next time it's WACK with the hoe!"
The snake moved slowly onto the lawn, and disappeared into the grass. I don't think I'll be pulling any weeds barehanded for a while!!
Gilly - Snake Chaser Extraordinaire
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